Broken Dreams

As I am job searching yet again
For the fourth summer in a row
After college graduation
Mom, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry

You escaped the war
Moved to a foreign land
All because you dreamed of a better life for us
And what do I do?

I went to college and had dreams of social justice
How dare I dream of making this world better,
When I can't even make your life better?
Why couldn't I have just gotten a business degree?

Sorry I couldn't buy you that new house in the suburb
Sorry I couldn't buy you that fancy car
Sorry I couldn't get you all the things you deserved
Sorry I couldn't live out the dreams that you had for me
The saddest thing is that
I can't even express my sorrows
In a language that you could understand

You've never faulted me for who I've become
And I just wanted you to know that I am who I am
Because of your good teachings
Luckily you have two other sons who will live out your dreams

And although, I don't follow your Buddhist ways
I really hope that reincarnation does exist
So that I could be your son again in the next lifetime
And every lifetime after that
Maybe then,
I'd be able to do more for you
Than I am able to do in this lifetime
Maybe I could make your dreams come true
Maybe I'll be able to give you all the good things that you never asked for

One More Minute

I don't want to leave yet
May I stay here a bit longer?
To try to get to know you a little better
Cuz I have so many questions I'd like to ask

Like
How are you doing?
Where have you been all this time?
Did I live up to your expectations?

Sorry
Didn't mean to get so serious right away
I guess we can start with the fundamentals
Cuz I don't even know that
What's your favorite food?
Your favorite color?

Please answer me
Say something
Tell me that you love me
Tell me that you're proud of me
Say anything

You can even tell me that I'm a disappointment
I just want to hear that voice
That calm and soothing voice
That used to put me to sleep every night

Alright
Don't speak
But would you at least listen to what I have to say?
Cuz a lot has happened in the twenty-six years that you've been gone

For instance
We've all grown up now
Not struggling so much now
And all three of us are doing our best to take care of mom
But she is sick often
She seems happy though
I think it's because of the grandkids

Oh, by the way
Did you know that you're a grandfather now?
Yeah, both my brothers have kids
They're great fathers
They would do anything for those kids
I think that's because they know how it feels to not have a father

Oh no
It's not your fault
None of us blame you for what happened

All I'm saying
Is that they know how it feels to have that emptiness in their heart
And I don't think they would want to wish that upon any child

Um, also...

What?

It's time to go?

No
Please no
Please don't let me wake up yet dad

You died to young dad
I was only a baby
Never had a chance to get to know you
And the only time I get to see you
Are in these dreams
Standing there, silently
I have so much to tell you

Please
Please let me dream for just a minute longer
To make up for the millions of minutes that I've thought about you
Just a minute longer
To make up for the millions of minutes that I've been without you
Please
Let me dream for just a minute longer
To make up for the 13,756,320 minutes that I've missed you
PLEASE

ballad of the weird-ass dream

someone had found this journal

and saw all that i had written about you there

rather than fight

we fucked on the kitchen floor

this is when

i knew i was dreaming

she brought me a glass of sparkling water

saying wake up, already

but my eyes were sheets of the heaviest metal

my head an unnegotiable boulder

and in it you and i were cruising streets

tryin to get to some show

we flew through stoplights

and drove into ditches

we waded in waist-deep water

but didn't get wet

you parked my car dead square in the auditorium

(rather than fight

we compared dance moves)

the flask swung in my shirt pocket

with all sorts of contraband

but the guards didn't notice

you pulled one by one

all the contents of my purse

and ran naked down the street, throwing them to the wind

laughing like a maniac

one by one i picked them up

and cursed you with words

brilliant words wittily insulting

the most satisfying tirades

when i did wake up, i found you weren't there

so i cursed again

but it was only empty.

I keep dreaming

About babies.
Small ones.
Beautiful ones.
Ugly ones.
Babies with big heads.
Big bones
Small delicate features

That I almost drop on their heads

What does it all mean?

Who Am I?

I'm your worst nightmare.
That's right.
That dream you had the other night?
That was me.
Telling you to speak in full sentences.
Full, grammatically correct sentences.
In your non-native language.

I am your English dream.
If you dream in English, it's my fault.
I tell you to squelch your Korean
And leave it at the door.
I tell you to
Be a little adult
For 55 minutes a day.

I dream about it too.
So it's not just you.
I'm insanely curious about your world
But the hogwon doesn't care.
They care that you can conjugate the verb "to go" in your sleep.
You are so brave
And it's me that is the coward.

Louder
Scream it
Until you have a headache
And are vomiting in fear
Open class is in four days
And you are so strong
Keep going

Show your work ethic
And your child-like spirit at once
I Dare you.

Dream on.

Summer of Sinuses

That damn clock
Is mocking me again
Taunting my tireless eyelids
3am
Still awake
Just like last night
And the night before
Check my phone
Nope
She still hasn’t texted me
Maybe
I can once again make my NFL season predictions
Or
Daydream about how our date could have turned out a bit better
Toss
Turn
Get angry that I can’t fall asleep
Get angry about the fact that
I am angry that I can’t fall asleep
Look forward to the fact that the circles under my eyes
Will be one shade darker tomorrow morning
Well
After some thought
I think the Ravens will represent the AFC in the Super Bowl
Same as last night
And the night before

How can one dream
When they cannot get any sleep?

To William Carlos Williams

Last night I had
an amazing dream
filled with a thousand splendid fantasies.

But
all I can remember
is eating a really delicious pickle.

Our Sweet Fossil Fuel Dreams

The trip to the corner store

Key ignition to shorten shuffle step

Could you feel the drill?

Pulsing through the surface

Pulverizing rock and dirt into specks of dust

The bus ride home

Did it taste like salt?

Did it cover you in black?

A dark blanket wrapped around

A casket carved out of delusions

The bottled water sitting on your desk

Is it reminiscent of a quiet failure

Or the roaring explosion that took 11 lives?

One that quickly dwarfed Alaska

Swallowed the world in its horror

How about that plane ride to New Orleans?

Could your selfish eyes see the 1,866 dead birds?

Did you pay the extra fare?

Not for baggage

But for 463 slaughtered sea turtles?

59 dead sea mammals?

Drill baby

Drill

That is our mess that is making the sea a little less pretty

So much more than an eyesore

Our cute little secret hidden in our closets

Our cognitive dissonance that was rude enough

To awaken us from our sweet dreams

That candle

That lighter

That car

Those are OUR failures

It is our criminal fingerprint

Embedded in the oil

Not Obama's

Not BP's

Ours

And we will not be able to wipe it away any time soon