Die, Vampire, Die! from Title of Show

I can not claim credit for this gem, but since it was part of my inspiration for INTERVIEW VAMPIRES I thought it deserved a spot on the blog. The song is a part of the relatively new musical TITLE OF SHOW, about two guys writing a musical about two guys writing a musical. In a way, it's annoying, but in a way it's very genius as well. As those of you readers may or may not know, I am THE BIGGEST musical fanatic, and I'm always looking for new and innovative ones. So without further ado, I give you DIE VAMPIRE DIE! from TITLE OF SHOW.

DIE VAMPIRE DIE!


There are some people in the world who say that writing stories,
Or composing music or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them.
Nothing interferes with their ability to create.
While I celebrate their creative freedom,
A little part of me just wants to punch those motherfuckers in the teeth.
This song, I sing this song for you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out Y’all

We’ll sing backup

You have a story to tell, a novel you keep in a drawer.

Old sock drawer!

You have a painting to paint, but you lazy like an old French whore

Je suis whore

You have a movie to make, Shrinky Dinks you can bake
But you best grab a stake, cause,
In sweep the vampires, in creep the vampires, knee deep in vampires,
Filling you with doubt. Insecurity, ‘bout what you art should be
In sweep the vampires

Die vampire

You sketched that turtle you saw in an ad on late-night cable TV

Tippy Turtle!

But your fourth grade teacher said

You can’t draw

Aww, those vampires just won’t let you be

Fuck you Ms. Johnson, Word!

And when they come run like hell, see those bats in your belfry, then call on Van Helsing.

In swoosh

Ooh, the vampires

In a whoosh

Ooh, the vampires,

Babaganoosh

Ooh, all the vampires

Filling you with thoughts of

Self consciousness

Feelings of

Worthlessness

They’ll make you

Second guess
Die vam-

-pire!

There are so many vampires, inside, outside, and nationwide,
It helps to recognize them with this vampire hunting guide!
Listen closely,
A vampire is any person or thought or feeling
That stands between you and your creative self expression,
But they can assume many seductive forms.
Here’s a few of them!

Tell us Susan!

First up are you pigmy vampires.
They’ll swarm around you head like gnats and say things like:

Your teeth need whitening

You went to state school?

You sound weird

Shakespeare, Sondheim, Sedaris

Did it before you and better than you, or they might say that you cannot
Sing good enough to be in a musical, or they might say:

Ooh, your song’s derivative,
Ooh, your song’s derivative,
Ooh, your song’s derivative,

To keep that song from you! Just tell them:

Die vampire, die!

Brothers and sisters, next up is the air freshener vampire,
She might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny.
She smells something unpleasant in what you’re creating.
She’ll urge you to:

Clean it up.

(Spraying sound)

It with some pine fresh smell ’em ups.
The air freshener vampire doesn’t want you to write about

Bad language, blood, or blow jobs

She wants you to clean it up and clean it out.
Which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless
But, you’ll be left with two tight paragraphs,
All kittens that your grandma would be so proud of.
You look at that air freshener vampire in her fat ass, fat old fuckin’ face and you Say

(Chanting)

The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair.
It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:

Who do you think you’re kidding?
You look like a fool.
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough

Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform
And said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole,
But if the vampire inside my head says it,
It’s the voice of reason.

You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer!
You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!


Oh baby, you must escape and grab it by the nape of its neck, by the trachea
Fuckin’ break it, go on drive a stake in,
Yeah there’s no mistaking, now you’re shake and bakin’

Die, vampire
I said, “Die, vampire”
I said, “Now die vam-pi-re, die!”

In fly the vampires, oh my the vampires, then die the vampires,
Filling you with life, creativity, all that you heart should be, out go the vampires
Die vampire, die vampire, die vampire, die!


Music and writing credits go to Hunter Bell and Jeff Bowen.

Official show site is here, in case any of you faithful readers are here.

Need to hear it to make the most of it?
This is the closest video I could find with DIE VAMPIRE DIE in it.

What about it readers? What kind of vampire is yours? I personally identify with the vampire of despair, but it's different for everyone.

Back to regularly scheduled poetry now. Thank you for the interruption break.